Your hollow, in your paw.
Check imaginary balances, move pretend acorns between pots and read every rate card from the top of any tree. The app exists only in this story: there is nothing to download and no real account to sign into.
- Balances and demo rate cards for every fictional pot
- Pretend transfers between your own pots
- Paw-print login checked by a very stern painted owl
- Branch finder with invented opening hours and maps
Prefer a voice or a stump desk? Telephone banking · Banking in branch · Ways to pay
Questions about the app and logging in
Where do I log in?
Nowhere. The Log in link leads to a page explaining that there is no online banking and no account to sign into. Never type a real username, password or card detail anywhere on this site.
Is the AcornBank app on the app stores?
No. The app is promoted throughout the story and exists only in the story. There is nothing to download, and any app calling itself AcornBank was not made by this fictional bank.
What can the fictional app do?
In the story it shows balances for every pot, moves pretend acorns between pots, displays the demo rate cards and finds branches. In reality it does none of these, because it does not exist.
What is online banking at AcornBank?
A description of what a bank’s online service would show: balances, statements, rate cards and worked tables. The site shows those tables to everyone without a login because there is nothing to protect.
Is there telephone banking?
Only in the story, where Hazel answers a hollow log. There is no number to call and no automated line.
How does the paw-print login work?
A very stern painted owl checks the print and lets everyone in, because there is nobody to keep out. It is a joke about biometrics, not a feature.
Four ways to bank with an imaginary bank
AcornBank copies the furniture of a real bank: an app for your paw, online banking for a bigger screen, telephone banking for those who prefer Hazel’s voice, and 400 branches with stump desks. Every one of them is fictional, which makes the queues remarkably short.
Choose a way to bank below. Each page explains what the story version does, what it deliberately does not do, and how it links to the products, rates and branches elsewhere on the site.
Which way suits which squirrel?
- The app for checking imaginary balances between trees and moving pretend acorns between pots.
- Online banking for reading rate cards, worked examples and statements at a desk-sized leaf.
- Telephone banking for talking a problem through with a fictional human, or at least a fictional squirrel.
- In branch for services that need a pencil, a rate card and a jar marked “not lunch”.
The very small bark print
The AcornBank app, online banking and telephone banking exist only in this story. There is nothing to download, no store listing, no telephone number and no account to sign into. Never enter real credentials or card details anywhere on this site. Read why this bank is fictional.
AcornBank: entirely fictional banking, exceptionally committed squirrels.