A little nutty. Entirely fictional. No real banking here ↗
THE BANK WITH A BUSHY TAIL

Big dreams. Tiny paws.

A cosy little home for your imaginary acorns. From your first nut to your forever treehouse, let's make life a little squirrelier.

An illustrated squirrel in a green waistcoat tending a tiny woodland bank.
25 nutty products

In 7 ranges, like a real bank

Real-looking demo rates

AER, APR, EAR and growth scenarios, all invented

An app that does not exist

Promoted everywhere, downloadable nowhere

0 actual financial services

Keep your real nuts at home

Our range

Current accounts, savings, mortgages, loans, credit cards, investments and insurance. Pick a range to see every product, rate and worked example in it.

An acorn-shaped savings pot with coins.
6 PRODUCTS

Savings

Two savings accounts, two cash ISAs and two bonds, each pair with one fixed and one variable rate.

A treehouse in a leafy oak.
1 PRODUCT

Mortgages

A treehouse repayment mortgage with a two-year fix and the full schedule.

A wheelbarrow full of acorns.
3 PRODUCTS

Loans

Three fixed-rate loans for plans, treehouses and wheelbarrows, with the monthly payment and total cost shown for every term.

A fan of acorn-branded bank cards.
5 PRODUCTS

Credit cards

Cashback, rewards, 0% purchases, 0% balance transfers and a credit builder, all with the borrowing cost shown next to the perk.

A sapling growing from a pot of coins.
4 PRODUCTS

Investments

A cash retirement saver, a general investment account, a stocks and shares ISA and a SIPP, all with growth scenarios.

An umbrella sheltering two acorns.
3 PRODUCTS

Insurance

Home, travel and life cover with demo premiums, excesses and a worked claim on every page.

On sale now

Promo tiles for the products an author has featured. Every figure is a live demo term from the product record, and everything is fictional.

An acorn-shaped savings pot with coins.
3.75% AER · VARIABLE

Squirrel Saver

A flexible savings pot for short-term plans. Label a goal, add to it whenever the imaginary pay packet arrives, and keep the money accessible when life changes its mind.

An acorn-shaped savings pot with coins.
4.30% AER TAX-FREE · FIXED · 12 MONTHS

Hazelnut Fixed Cash ISA

The fixed cousin of the easy-access cash ISA: one deposit within the demo allowance, a fixed rate for twelve months and no tax on the interest in the story.

An acorn-shaped savings pot with coins.
4.75% AER · VARIABLE · 24 MONTHS

Willow Tracker Bond

A bond with a variable rate: the term is fixed at two years but the rate tracks a fictional Forest Base Rate plus 0.25%. The illustration holds today’s rate constant, which a real tracker would not.

A treehouse in a leafy oak.
4.59% FIXED FOR 2 YEARS

Treehouse Mortgage

A made-up mortgage with a two-year introductory fixed rate. The repayment table includes the assumed rate change after month 24, so the attractive opening payment is not mistaken for a 25-year guarantee.

A fan of acorn-branded bank cards.
0% PURCHASES FOR 18 MONTHS

Zero Nut Zone Card

Nothing to pay in interest for eighteen months, provided the balance is gone before the zone ends. The tables show the monthly amount that clears a purchase in time and what happens to any nut left behind.

A sapling growing from a pot of coins.
£20,000 ISA ALLOWANCE · 0.45% CHARGE

Evergreen Stocks & Shares ISA

The investment account inside a fictional ISA wrapper. Contributions are capped by a demo annual allowance of £20,000, and the model applies no tax to growth or withdrawals.

How much would your savings earn?

  1. Squirrel Saver3.75% AER · VARIABLE£375.00first-year interest at 3.75%
  2. Oak Ledger Fixed Saver4.40% AER · FIXED · 12 MONTHS£440.00first-year interest at 4.40%
  3. Hazelnut Cash ISA3.60% AER TAX-FREE · VARIABLE£360.00first-year interest at 3.60%
  4. Hazelnut Fixed Cash ISA4.30% AER TAX-FREE · FIXED · 12 MONTHS£430.00first-year interest at 4.30%
  5. Fixed Twig Bond4.60% AER · FIXED · 12 MONTHS£460.00first-year interest at 4.60%
  6. Willow Tracker Bondearns most4.75% AER · VARIABLE · 24 MONTHS£475.00first-year interest at 4.75%

Same fictional model as every table on the site. Limits and allowances are noted; nothing here is advice or an offer.

THE ACORNBANK APP · ENTIRELY FICTIONAL

Your hollow, in your paw.

Check imaginary balances, move pretend acorns between pots and read every rate card from the top of any tree. The app exists only in this story: there is nothing to download and no real account to sign into.

  • Balances and demo rate cards for every fictional pot
  • Pretend transfers between your own pots
  • Paw-print login checked by a very stern painted owl
  • Branch finder with invented opening hours and maps

Prefer a voice or a stump desk? Telephone banking · Banking in branch · Ways to pay

A phone showing the fictional AcornBank app with a Squirrel Saver balance.
380 IMAGINARY BRANCHES · 20 INVENTED REGIONS

Find your fictional branch.

Every branch page lists its services, an invented address, opening hours and a map of the surrounding forest. None of them is a real place, and none can open an account, but the stump desk is always free.

  • Invented opening hours, Saturday varies, Sunday is the Great Nap
  • Services listed per branch, from rate cards to lost-acorn enquiries
  • A drawn map with a pin that leads precisely nowhere

All branches in Acornshire · Browse every region

An oak tree with a wooden signpost.